Friday, January 27, 2006

Birthday Lunch

I LOVE my Aquarian friends. This week I did lunch with one of them for her birthday. I am a Virgo and we're not supposed to get on well with Aquarians but I was raised by an Aquarian in the wild, so I love them.

I was doing the usual complaining a theatre director does about the dearth of young men available for talent in live theatre in the area. I am having the usual trouble finding someone to play a male ingenue for the show I'm directing.... so anyway, I found I needed to use the facilities in the middle of my conversation, so off I go...

As I rise I mention to my lunch mates, "while I'm gone, find me a man."

I go to the bathroom I do my business, yadda, yadda, yadda, and I return. As I do so, this guy at the table next to us asks me, "I hear you're looking for a man..."

This flusters me. MOMENTARILY. Said lunch mates are amused. I reply, "I do! But I like 'em young, I need one who is about twenty or so..."

My awesome Aquarian friend thought he was pretty handsome -- I concurred but being of lesbian persuasion it mattered not to me. Also, we are all quite married and committed anyway...

Lettuce Wraps arrive, we chat about plastic surgery.

Main course, Chicken Cashew, Mongolian Beef with brown rice, we chat about -- hell I don't remember and if I told you I'd have to shoot you anyway so I won't -- that's privileged girl lunch private information.

Fortune cookies. We get statements. Not fortune cookies, statement cookies.

More talking (we're women you know.)

Now our good fellow at the table next to us gets up to leave. Here's the great part.

He puts his fortune on the table at the arm of our celebrated awesome Aquarian and she reads it.

"A secret admirer finds you charming."

It was such a clever come on I was sad I'd never thought of it.

You never know -- even after 30 -- hell -- after 40 what flirty fun might happen, even at lunch...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

How Can A Cell Phone Be Gay?

Ok, so I swore to myself I wouldn't blog unless something compelled me to do so -- so it's been a few days.

Tonight I was inspired.

I was inspired by a thin as a rail teenage girl working at a store that shall remain anonymous but we'll call it Alberdson's. I'm at the register, right, and an equally thin and awkward teenage boy gets in line behind me.

It goes something like this:

"Oh! You scared me," says she.

"How could I have scared you? I'm just standing here. Right?" says he, addressing me,"I was just standing here how could I have scared her?" Then, back to she, says he,"What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?"

Says she, "We got in trouble in ROTC (ROTC, puhleeze) and have to stay late and paint the deck."

Blah, blah, blah. More yakking. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Etc, etc. I swipe my Visa. She and I do the credit/debit thing, you know the drill.

Says he,"I tried calling you, I can't ever get in touch with you anymore."

"I KNOW," says she, "my cell phone is acting all gay."

Ok, I'm gonna stop right here and mention that I was in line at a grocery store once, the name of the store shall remain anonymous but we'll call it Bowl Foods, and I was yakking away with a companion using my not so bad if I may say so myself British dialect. I got to the checker, and in the most genuine and honest and REAL British dialect, she asked me, "will that be all?" No, really, I don't have time to explain here but she was really from England.

This whole gay cell phone thing could be karma for that, but I digress.

Back to Alberdson's. So thinks me: What the ----? Gay cell phone? She doesn't know she just ACTUALLY said that in the presence of a gay person? And should I say something just to be -- well, just to make myself feel better, and to enlighten her? And how does one attribute human qualities such as "gay" to a cell phone? Is that like anthropomorphizing (wow, I hope I spelled that right) and can anthropomorphizing be attributed to inanimate objects like cell phones in addition to animate ones such as animals? Should I mention that by "gay" does she mean happy, bright, nellie, butch, what? I don't know, but I'm sure it's derogatory.

Immediately upon leaving Alberdson's I called a friend who manages a different grocery store, the name of which shall remain anonymous but we'll call it HEP. I conveyed the story, I asked the questions I had just asked myself and I got the all enlightenment and I'll admit it, righteous confirmation I needed.

No way the teenager with the gay cell phone could ever get hired at HEP.