Thursday I got a little wistful. I took myself to WalMart -- the closest place to buy a set of headphones to connect to my computer at work. I'm a Target fan personally but Wally World is the closest spot to my office for these types of things so without getting into how hard it is to find a pair of comfortable earbuds for my little ears, including the ones I just bought, I'll get back to the wistful part.
Lots of the people there reminded me a bit of my mother, not because she shopped at WalMart but because she was handicapped over ten years ago by a debilitating stroke, and there were plenty of elderly and infirm-ish at WalMart in the middle of the day.
My mom died just this last July. It was the right thing for her -- her body just couldn't support her anymore. She was diagnosed with emphysema some time after the stroke, and was in the hospital due to complications regarding emphysema when a young cardiologist put ideas in her head that she needed some heart surgery. He was so informative but not in the least bit aware of how much he was scaring a woman who had already been given a certain kind of death sentence by her pulmonologist the year before. If this doctor had looked at the whole person, instead of her heart, and consulted with a pulmonologist and her internist, he might have realized she didn't necessarily NEED his expertise, as she was now in a stage in her life where quality overruled quantity. So, he maybe didn't have to scare her with the prospect of a risky surgery that she didn't need considering her other ailments. Looking back on it -- she really didn't need to be scared into what was the matter with her heart because the risks of the surgery in her state were just as bad as NOT having the surgery. I can appreciate this guy wanting us all to know what was going on, but come to find out -- my mom was in the hospital for complications due to emphysema, she had been for a week, and she had NOT even been assigned a pulmonologist. I wonder, looking back, if she needed to even know at all.
Now let's get something straight right now: I affirm that all situations and circumstances are divine and circumstances such as this were exactly what we all needed to learn from, including my mother. And sometimes I trip up and indulge in regret. Anyway, my mom died before the cardiologist could do his stuff, which we wouldn't have let him do anyway. Sometimes I think my mom had had enough and willed herself to die just to avoid that final physical insult .
As I said, I can't blame the doctor because I do affirm all situations and circumstances as divinely guided and necessary. Otherwise it's all just random chaos.
My mother paid me a "visit" early Thursday morning. I have friends who say this is not unusual at all -- She didn't appear like a ghost -- I mean like a voice in my consciousness and like a body to appease my imagination. It was not a ghost or hallucination -- it was a vision. A friend of mine whose mother has also died told me something like this would happen for me, as it had for her. She couldn't come to terms with how it is her mother would like to be remembered -- specifically -- what physical state and age. I didn't know how my mom wanted to be remembered either but early this morning I got that vision, just as my friend said I would. My mom came to me as a healthy 40-something... much healthier, I recall, than I had remembered her at that age in life. She told me she'd be here anytime I needed her, but had many, many things to do. In the first months after she died I felt her around me a lot -- and I don't feel her around me in the same way as those first few months, so of course, what she said makes sense.
This weekend, the Sexy Beast and I remember her, enjoy our own motherhood and step-motherhood, and embark on a new phase in our mothering -- as we our raising our first puppy together. Expect great blogs about schnauzers. Especially a miniature one named Zeta!
My mom would love the new puppy. She got me a schnauzer when I was a kid.
"She mused about her mother's death,Lots of the people there reminded me a bit of my mother, not because she shopped at WalMart but because she was handicapped over ten years ago by a debilitating stroke, and there were plenty of elderly and infirm-ish at WalMart in the middle of the day.
My mom died just this last July. It was the right thing for her -- her body just couldn't support her anymore. She was diagnosed with emphysema some time after the stroke, and was in the hospital due to complications regarding emphysema when a young cardiologist put ideas in her head that she needed some heart surgery. He was so informative but not in the least bit aware of how much he was scaring a woman who had already been given a certain kind of death sentence by her pulmonologist the year before. If this doctor had looked at the whole person, instead of her heart, and consulted with a pulmonologist and her internist, he might have realized she didn't necessarily NEED his expertise, as she was now in a stage in her life where quality overruled quantity. So, he maybe didn't have to scare her with the prospect of a risky surgery that she didn't need considering her other ailments. Looking back on it -- she really didn't need to be scared into what was the matter with her heart because the risks of the surgery in her state were just as bad as NOT having the surgery. I can appreciate this guy wanting us all to know what was going on, but come to find out -- my mom was in the hospital for complications due to emphysema, she had been for a week, and she had NOT even been assigned a pulmonologist. I wonder, looking back, if she needed to even know at all.
Now let's get something straight right now: I affirm that all situations and circumstances are divine and circumstances such as this were exactly what we all needed to learn from, including my mother. And sometimes I trip up and indulge in regret. Anyway, my mom died before the cardiologist could do his stuff, which we wouldn't have let him do anyway. Sometimes I think my mom had had enough and willed herself to die just to avoid that final physical insult .
As I said, I can't blame the doctor because I do affirm all situations and circumstances as divinely guided and necessary. Otherwise it's all just random chaos.
My mother paid me a "visit" early Thursday morning. I have friends who say this is not unusual at all -- She didn't appear like a ghost -- I mean like a voice in my consciousness and like a body to appease my imagination. It was not a ghost or hallucination -- it was a vision. A friend of mine whose mother has also died told me something like this would happen for me, as it had for her. She couldn't come to terms with how it is her mother would like to be remembered -- specifically -- what physical state and age. I didn't know how my mom wanted to be remembered either but early this morning I got that vision, just as my friend said I would. My mom came to me as a healthy 40-something... much healthier, I recall, than I had remembered her at that age in life. She told me she'd be here anytime I needed her, but had many, many things to do. In the first months after she died I felt her around me a lot -- and I don't feel her around me in the same way as those first few months, so of course, what she said makes sense.
This weekend, the Sexy Beast and I remember her, enjoy our own motherhood and step-motherhood, and embark on a new phase in our mothering -- as we our raising our first puppy together. Expect great blogs about schnauzers. Especially a miniature one named Zeta!
My mom would love the new puppy. She got me a schnauzer when I was a kid.
for now she knew she had a strong ally on the other side.
Then she realized that her parents were not only her link to her past,
but also, in a very special way,
to her future."
-- Native American Lakota Woman
NPR's program New Dimensions.
Mom
February 1933 -- July 2005
Happy Mother's Day... love and light.
February 1933 -- July 2005
Happy Mother's Day... love and light.
2 comments:
Oh, Fire Berry! What a story! We went through something the same with Addy. Different illnesses, but similar guff from doctors.
Divine or not, I'm convinced that the docs will carve on people until their insurance runs out.
They are not going to get their hands on me.
Thank you Ronni. Physicians are often taught only to look at a disease or disorder and not a person, which I suppose is fair, but all the same, to do so without looking at the whole person both physically, emotionally and spiritually is to miss life entirely, even as a doctor. But that's just my opinion...
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